We often feel deep empathy toward certain people whom we don’t get in return. They tend to be negative types of people, like people with high temperament or narcissists, who take advantage of our kindness for their own desire. Somewhere deep in our thoughts we just think maybe if we treat them nicely and show them our great kindness, they would treat us better and even change their behavior for us. But the truth is people don’t change over a night.
We might find ourselves with a selfish partner and even though our partner is difficult, some of us might find even more difficult to leave that hurtful relationship. Everyone around us already tells us to stand up for ourselves and leave, even criticize how weak and stupid we are for sticking with that hurtful relationship and even accuse of actually like to be treated badly. But no one likes being treated badly. The reason why it is so hard to leave is although it hurts, some of us might find in it the comfort of familiarity. Our lack of understanding cause us to stick around. Solely because we are afraid to leave. We have nowhere else to go and mostly we are afraid of things that are unfamiliar to us.
Studies say that we are attracted to what is familiar to us and that mere exposure will affect our attitude toward certain people. For instance, if you grow up with high temperamental parents, you will tend to find a partner with temperament issues. Not because you consciously find them attractive, but because of the familiarity that you unconsciously acknowledge in them. This is our subliminal mind and we have no awareness of making such a choice. Either good or bad, our subliminal mind will let us stay in this relationship because they find it comforting in sense of familiarity.
Some people may think it is commitment and love that make you stick around with a hurtful partner. But you have to understand the difference between love and familiarity. Both breed comfort, but there is a huge difference. With familiarity, you feel comfortable because you already feel used to it and already developed the ability to deal with it. You learn how to survive and you just ignore some hurtful truths and turn your head around to the fact that you actually deserve someone much better. You find yourself stuck because you are too comfortable in your comfort zone. You assume it would be harder to live outside your circle and that you could get hurt even more.
The comfort that love gives is different. You feel comfortable with your partner not only because how kind, compassionate and loving he is to you, but also because your partner makes you feel comfortable and confident about yourself. You love your partner for what he is and for what he makes you feel about your whole you. Your heart is full with unpretentious happiness. This kind of comfort is simple yet difficult to feel because it is rare. And if you feel like this with a certain someone, it is possible that you feel love.
To find the comfort that only love can give, first you have to make yourself aware if whether right now what you have is familiarity or love. Don’t blame yourself if you keep getting in the same hurtful relationships. Remember you can’t control what you are not aware of. What’s important is that you are able to see the pattern that your subliminal mind makes you choose and learn from it.
It may be hard at first to let go the chains of the comfort you feel with the familiarity, and some things might be strange for you. But let the strangeness settle with you. Because soon you will realize how much happier you are without your hurtful partner. Then you can decide what kind of person you really want in your life and that you actually deserve. Let the fear pass by, and free yourself from the fetters of the past.
