Long gone are the 1950’s era of romance. Boy likes girl. Boy gives girl flowers. Boy meets the parents. Girl meets his parents. They get married happily ever after. Nowadays, dating is much more complicated. Careers, finance, mixed families through divorce, social media, internet, etc.
While the dynamics of dating have changed in many ways thanks to feminism and social media, you would be surprised at how little some things haven’t changed in terms of what men and women are looking for in a partner. While it is now common for women to work outside of the home and cheating is more rampant than ever thanks to technological advances in communication, men and women are still attracted to many of the same qualities they were 60 years ago.
From personal experience and through surveying hundreds of men and women, I have discovered some very inconvenient truths about the hearts of men and women.
1. Men and women are rarely “just friends”: That’s right! When men and women spend a lot of time communicating, biology and science says that one of the parties will probably develop a secret sexual attraction. The male counterpart will usually be the culprit, as men are more sexually driven than most women. Men will be “just friends” with a woman if that’s all she truly desires, but be rest assured, a man will wait patiently for his chance to strike! While there are some exceptions, generally, men and women can’t be “just friends”. If you’re in a relationship, it is very practical to be jealous of your partner spending ample amounts of energy and time communicating with members of the opposite sex who aren’t you! We were biologically designed to mate with each other after all! While it is tempting to lash out at your partner for texting or spending time with members of the opposite sex, it is best to sit down and discuss what is appropriate and what isn’t. If you can’t come to an agreement, it may be a clear-sign that you don’t share the same values in order to build a proper relationship. Perhaps your husband loves to have lunch with his female secretary, while you think it’s an invitation for temptation, he sees it as “innocent”. But be warned, whatever you ask of your partner, you should be able to hold yourself to the same rules and standards! If your husband or boyfriend is spending large amounts of time texting or hanging out with another woman, unless it is purely for business purposes you can almost guarantee that he is sexually attracted to her. While women often keep many “guy friends” on the side to use as “emotional tampons” to vent their frustrations on or to keep around as “back-ups” in case their relationship doesn’t work out. Many surveys show that 60% of men and women have “back-up” lovers. A shocking statistic that really makes you wonder if men and women can truly be monogamous.
2. Men are more shallow in terms of appearance: While there are always exceptions to the rule, men are generally more caught up in a woman’s physical appearance than a women is with a man’s appearance. 9 times out of 10, a man will choose the supermodel woman over the plain looking career-woman any day of the week. However, as a man matures, his preferences may balance out. Instead of going for the perfect 10 with a bad attitude, he will find more satisfaction with the “7 or 8” who is more well-rounded, dependable and nurturing. Men biologically seek out women who are physically attractive as a way to carry on healthy genes in their children.
3. Women are gold-diggers, kinda?: There is a common misconception that women are only after a man’s resources and income. While it is true that women are definitely attracted to wealth and status, that isn’t to say that a woman would not date a man who is poor, so long as he is actively pursuing goals. Women are attracted to driven men who are determined to build a life for themselves and their family. This goes back to our caveman (cavewoman) instincts. A man who is building a career for himself can be seen a potential provider and protector of the family. While there are some modern career women who prefer to be the leaders of their family, once women have children, they will almost always desire to stay home with their children while the father provides. It’s a natural evolutionary cycle.
4. Do men like feminists?: If you look at any typical feminist: She has a career mindset, dyed purple hair, nose ring, loud, says fathers aren’t necessary, usually ends up in their 30s as a childless career woman or they end up dating weak men who take on a more submissive role. This is why there is a huge exodus of men who are seeking out wives who are from places like Asia, Latin America, and Eastern Europe where the women are more submissive and feminine. However, due to the rising cost of living in the west, many American men are warming up to the idea of women seeking out careers and practicing more independence to alleviate their own financial stress.
5. Sex and money are still the main motivators for marriage and divorce: People get married because they enjoy eachother’s company (sex) and/or one of the partners is a good financial provider. Conversely, these are also the same reasons why people divorce! When the sex begins to get boring, one of the partners fails to maintain their physical attractiveness, or the income-earning partner loses his/her job, the chances of divorce skyrocket! sex and finances are the two most important things in a relationship.
6 Men need to shut up and just listen!: When women come to men with their problems, men will often interrupt with suggestions on how to fix the issue, the woman will then become annoyed and stop talking all together at the surprise of the man. However, what women fail to realize is that men have “mechanical” brains. Due to our evolutionary role as “providers” and “builders”, men sometimes fail to see the emotional rationals behind a woman’s speech. Sometimes women just want to vent without receiving a “Self-help” pep-talk in return.
7. Men show their love in more basic ways: Women often dream of the man who plays guitar, writes poetry, or does grandiose romantic gestures. While men sometimes perform these acts, especially during the early stages of dating, men are a bit more practical in the ways they show love. As Steve Harvey often says, “Men show their love with the three “P’s”, – Profess. Provide. Protect”. Men will honor their women by publicly professing, “This is my woman!”, they will provide for her by earning a good income for the household, and they protect her by scaring off any would-be creeps who would try to hit on her or make advances towards her.
8. Women care more about kissing than intercourse: While women enjoy the sexual act of intercourse, many women will admit that love-making without kissing makes them feel “dirty” or “used”. For a woman, kissing is the ultimate expression of love. When a man kisses a woman without sex, it shows that he craves her soul, not just her vagina. Many women have admitted to me that they would be more angry at a cheating spouse for passionately kissing another woman than they would be if he simply had intercourse with another woman without kissing being involved, since men often compartmentalize their sexual actions in terms of love and pleasure.
9. Why do men and women cheat? With social media making it easier to stay connected with ex-lovers and pretty much anyone we meet on the street, cheating has become easier now than any other time in history. It is also easier to get caught thanks to the “screenshot” option used on our phones. While men have had mistresses since the dawn of time, it was an act that was done discreetly and was associated with shame if caught. Now, it has become also an expectation that you will not be the only person someone is sleeping with. Men tend to cheat based purely on novelty. They get bored having sex with the same partner everyday, and seek out new lands to conquer. They may be completely in love with their wives or girlfriends, but they seek out the excitement of a new body to explore. It is purely a physical thing. Women on the other hand, usually cheat when they feel emotionally neglected by their spouse. Their affairs begin with an emotional fling that later becomes physical. This is why society is harder on women who cheat because of the common held belief that women cheat with their hearts, while men cheat with their penis.
10. Love is held together by three chemicals: Serotonin and Dopamine are released anytime you see a beautiful woman, anytime you kiss you someone, anytime you have an orgasm. These chemicals activate the pleasure centers in your brain, essentially turning you into a drug-addict, craving more and more. As you continue to repeatedly kiss, have sex, and spend time with this person, another hormone slowly begins to produce. “Oxytocin”, aka ” The love chemical”. Oxytocin is responsible for the feelings of “attachment”. When you break up with your spouse, or they die, you go through a withdrawal of oxytocin, dopamine, and seratonin, which is quite painful. Without oxytocin, your mom, your father, your brother, your wife, they would mean nothing to you. Attachments would be almost impossible to form with them. Like most things in life. everything is created upon “habit”. Relationships are no different. They do not form in one day, they are created through imprinted repetition. And before you know it, you are thinking about this person everyday without realizing how it happened! Thanks to serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin, this person who was once a stranger, is now constantly on your mind! This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how the relationship unfolds. It is great for the happily married, but not so great when a break-up occurs, which can take months or even years to recover from emotionally and physically.
11. STDs are more common than you think: 70% of people over the age of 40 in the USA have some form of herpes, while many don’t even know they have it. In fact, it is so common that many doctors don’t even test for it anymore. In terms of race, African-American Americans have the highest percentages of STDs, followed by Caucausians (whites), then Latinos, and with Asians having the lowest percentages of STD rates. No matter what the race is of your partner, before engaging in sex, it is important to discuss this topic with your partner. “Are you clean?”, if the person knowingly has a disease and lies about it, that person could face legal actions. Medically time-stamped records will show when a person was diagnosed. If your partner was diagnosed with HIV in 2006, and they told you they were clean in 2007, then that person has essentially committed a criminal act against your health! If you are positive for an STD, be sure to be completely honest with your partner. They will respect you much more for it.
12. Child support: No matter what form of birth-control you use, there is also a 1% chance it could fail. A good rule of thumb is to never have sex with someone who you couldn’t imagine being the parent of your child. 60% of marriages in USA end in divorce. If you are a man, that means you will probably be paying child support, which means that half of your check will be confiscated for the next 18-20 years. How does that ramen noodle dinner taste? Being unable to pay child support payments can result in losing your drivers license and/or being sent to prison. It is no laughing matter.
13. Rape and false-allegations of rape: Before letting a potential partner come to your house, or you go to their house, be sure to spend a lot of time meeting up at public places, talking on the phone, and truly building a foundation of trust. Men are very much sexually motivated when it comes to dating. Any hint you give them in regards to having sex, they will most likely not turn it down. However, men should know the difference between consent and non-consent. If a woman says, “No! I’m not ready’, that means “Take your hands off!”. It’s that simple. Some men do not understand this. However, there are some women who engage in consensual sex with a man and then latter regret it. In order to save face, they may cry “rape”. There have been many famous cases regarding false-rape allegations that have destroyed the lives of innocent men. Having casual sex is very dangerous for both men and women for this reason among many others listed.
Relationships can be a lot of fun. Traveling together, hanging out, having companionship, enjoying sexual chemistry. However, it also requires much sacrifice and taking responsibility. Sex is an act designed by nature to create life. It is pleasurable. The pleasure behind sex encourages our species to multiply. Sex was not designed to be a toy. It is a way to create bonding between two people as a secondary benefit, and to create life as a primary benefit. Sex and relationships are no laughing matter. When they work out, they create wonderful memories full of life and joy. When they don’t work out, they can literally ruin the emotional, physical, and financial health of those involved. Love should not be shunned, but it should also not be taken lightly.
When you create a relationship, do it respectfully. When you end the relationship, also do it with respect. All human life is precious. When two parties separate, it is rarely easily or pleasurable for either party involved.
Good luck on your love journey! May God bless you all.